It’s that feeling that it’s 9:15 on a Wednesday night and you want to keep on drinking, but it’s a School Night and you have to work tomorrow and there’s nothing else to face today, so might as well stop for the night.
This evening you went out, and you had a couple of beers and some food at a local watering hole. You ran into a friend, part of the outer circle of your regular acquaintances, not because you like them any less that the inner circle, but schedules get in the way, yes, and there are times when members of the circle would rather stay home wearing comfy pants than go out, and you understand that, and maybe you envy it a little bit. But I always think there will be a time for aloneness and staying home with my comfy pants and now isn’t it. Our friend’s partner opted for the comfy pants, partially to resist the extra calories of food out and beer- I hear you- if I could resist such things, I’d be much lighter, but oh well. But also our friend didn’t want to ask questions about Those Who Are Lost, and if you wonder if this is vagueblogging, yes it is. There are things that happen to other people, things that happen not to me, but around me, and I feel very deeply about them, but at the end of the day, it’s not my business, it’s not my friend’s business, and so that’s why we do not talk about it. I don’t know, though- where is the line between none of your business and seeming to not care?
Recently, I learned that someone I went to high school with took his life. I found out that he died before I found out why, but instinctually, I knew why, and then it was confirmed. We were not close back in the day, because then I was too shy to be close to anyone. He went off to college, and he soared. We didn’t reconnect until the era of Facebook, oh Facebook. He moved back to our hometown recently and messaged me about job possibilities at my company. There aren’t any, really, but I tried to be encouraging. Now I wish I would have done more. We weren’t close, but what if I’d invited him for coffee, to meet my husband, who shares his love of movies and popular culture. But I didn’t. I mean, I know, if someone is determined to end it all- what can one, singular person do?
Anyway, what keeps me awake at night sometimes, are the lost ones, the making of connections. When do you force the issue and bang down the door and when do you leave off? I know myself, and I know I may sometimes come across as judgmental, and fuck, yes, I’ll admit it, sometimes I am, so it is best to be quiet.
It’s weird sometimes, I feel like I am sitting on a cloud, drifting through life easily, and I see others suffer, and I’m unsure what to do. Lend a hand, but how to do so without butting in, or leave it be? My instinct is to leave people be, but god, I don’t want to see anyone slip away before their time like my high school friend. I know he sat in a room thinking no one, or not many people were concerned with him, cared about him, but when he died, many, many people paid tribute. We none of us understand the impact we make on this life, on each other.